Holidays are coming up and there’s pressure… the gifts, the planning, the family gatherings, the travel. All during our “time off”, when we’re supposed to rest. Except the holidays don’t always feel like a respite.
For instance, in my family we try as much as we can to visit my in-laws and my own family. One is in Owen Sound and the other requires going to a different province, so a longer drive…. Travelling is work! And when it’s winter… you don’t always know what to expect.
If you’re feeling the weight of holiday obligations, I want you to know something important:
- You’re allowed to not want to go to family gatherings—sometimes they feel more exhausting than joyful.
- Not all family gatherings feel like genuine connection; sometimes they feel an obligation.
- Sometimes, what we want during the holidays is to be left alone so that we can actually rest during our time off instead of putting on a mask where we have to be “the good daughter/son”. You might not want to put on that hat this holiday… and that’s okay.
5 Tips for Setting Boundaries During the Holidays
If this resonates with you, here are some tips that might be helpful:
1. Acceptance. You can love your family and still feel like they’re draining you. Two things can be true at once, and as human beings we are complex. We’re not black and white—we have a lot of grey areas and that’s okay. You’re human.
2. Self-care. Plan something for you. We often give and give during the holidays, but we also have to gift ourselves time to rest and answer to our own needs.
3. Boundaries. You might be caught in the “good daughter/son” role and will probably attend the family gatherings… even if you don’t want to. So give yourself limits. Think about how long you CAN attend and create an exit plan.
4. Self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself. When you hear unwanted and unwelcome comments, offer yourself compassion. You don’t have to take it in. You don’t have to allow it. And most of all, you don’t have to let them stick!
5. Find What’s Worthwhile. Family gatherings can be heavy, but if you are attending them as a duty instead of wanting to to go… there might be some things worth holding onto. Sit with yourself and think about how you can expand on those things (for me, it’s often the childcare I get so that I can escape for a bit or a day and/or seeing my childhood friends). Finding what makes it worthwhile can help it feel less heavy and not all negative.
When Family Is Toxic: You Don’t Owe Anyone Your Presence
I also want to address something I’ve seen circulating recently. Mel Robbins published an Opinion essay in The New York Times titled “Life Is Too Short to Fight With Your Family,” and while I understand the intention behind it, I have to respectfully disagree with the core message.
Here’s my perspective: sometimes, families have caused irreparable damage. Sometimes the harm runs so deep that maintaining contact continues to reopen wounds rather than heal them. And in those cases, creating distance or cutting off contact can be the only thing that helps us heal and move forward.
For second-generation Canadians, we often learned that family is the most important part of your life—that you endure, that you sacrifice, that you always show up no matter what. But if you have been mistreated, disrespected, or abused by your family and don’t feel emotionally or physically safe, please know this: life is too short to put yourself in situations where you don’t feel safe and will be miserable afterwards.
You don’t owe anyone your presence—not even family—if being around them causes you more harm. Healing sometimes requires boundaries. Sometimes it requires distance. And sometimes, it requires walking away entirely. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you someone who values their own well-being enough to protect it.
Guide for Second-Generation Canadians
Speaking of protecting your well-being, I want to share something I’ve been working on that I’m really excited about.
I’ve created a guide specifically for second-generation Canadians navigating these complex family dynamics during the holidays and beyond. This guide was created with the intention of helping you unlearn some of the roles that might have been conditioned into us—roles like “the good daughter/son,” “the peacekeeper,” or “the one who always sacrifices.”
It also addresses how burnout has been normalized in our communities and offers practical tools for recognizing when you’re depleting yourself to please others. Inside, you’ll find reflection prompts, boundary-setting exercises, and self-compassion practices designed to help you prioritize your own needs without guilt.
The holidays are busy, and it’s easy to get swept up in everyone else’s expectations. My hope is that this guide can help you carve out some time to reflect, to check in with yourself, and to remember that your emotional health matters just as much as anyone else’s.
The guide will be available on my website next week. Keep an eye out for the announcement! In the meantime, if you need to talk book your first free 15 minute session.
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